Keeping my head above the waves

Still working on not letting change sink me. But I feel that I am gaining the upper hand. Working on some things right now that I can't really say until I have it all worked out, but I promise to share as soon as I have it all sorted out. I am taking charge of my life, that's for sure. And it is starting to feel pretty damn good.

on a side note, it is mine and Vanya's 5 month today! It has gone by so fast, but i guess that is a good thing! I am so blessed to have been able to spend the last 5 months with him. I don't know where my life would be or what I would be doing if I had never met him, but I am so glad that I did. He has changed my life and for that I am so thankful.

okay enough of that. I pressed snooze way too many times this morning and barely made it to work in time. My milk is going to waste in the refrigerator because I leave no time to myself in the mornings to eat cereal. It's hard though when you had a full 16 hour day the day before. All i want to do is catch up on sleep. Anyways I have classes today, then a meeting, then buying school books finally and then working out. Then heading to my parent's house for the evening. Lots of homework this weekend, mixed in with a bit of relaxing and catching up with friends as well as a little bit of working out. Hope everyone has a good weekend.

images via:
http://wasting.tumblr.com/page/12
http://wishfulblessings.tumblr.com/page/14
http://momography.tumblr.com/page/28
http://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/3/223192775

what a true tragedy that would be

At least I have him

Been doing a lot of soul searching recently. It's scaring me frankly. I have been trying to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life and it scares me. At what point do I stop trying to please others? My whole life is centered and has been centered around making sure everyone else is happy with my decisions, but have I ever stopped to think about what direction I really want my life to go in? No, not until recently. And that to me is shocking. Why the hell have I waited so long? This is my life after all. I try so hard to please everyone that I base my decisions off of what others would want me to do, or what is easiest for others, not for myself. That right there is the definition of not loving one's self... by ignoring one's own wants and needs and desires. I am so sick of being the perfect this or that, when I don't feel my actions in my bones. I feel like a puppet, and I have forced myself into this situation. So at what point do you stand up for your wants? And what exactly are my wants? Well it is all relatively new to me, being that I have just recently started to think about it. It kind of opens up a whole new world. Which to be quite honest is fucking terrifying.. and exciting all at the same time. The goal is to not let the scale tip. To not let it frighten me. To not let it force be back into my old self. Into my closed off self. The goal is to continue on this path of self discovery in a positive direction. That, my friends, is easier said than done. Things are just very overwhelming right now. Damn. Life is ... there are no words. It just scares me. I want to live up every single moment that I can. I don't want to waste a single second. I feel so lost right now and it scares me to feel that. For the past year or so I have done so much positive work on myself, figuring out who I really am and it scares me to feel the slimy hands pulling me back into confusion and frustration. I am going to fight it though. I will keep my head above the waves. I am better than that. I am stronger than that. If I have learned one thing over the past year it is that I am my own best friend. I know myself best, and I just need to listen to my heart. Whatever that means... because everyone knows it is easier said than done. My mind and heart keep battling and my mind seems to be winning. Bad mind. One must do in life what makes them happy because each second passes and it cannot be relived. I am terrified to be one of those people who hate their job and wish they would have gone with their heart. What a true tragedy that would be. I miss the simple times. And as life goes on things get more complicated. And I am okay with that. But I do need to take a step back and re-evaluate things instead of running alongside with reality but not really engaging in it. As things get more complicated I think it is imperative to occasionally re-evaluate life. After all, one is not expected to have the same thoughts, views, opinions and desires their whole life. Are they? That's it for now. I apologize for the strange mood. No wait, I don't, because once again, that would be me trying to please others. This is reality. This blog is intended as a glimpse into my mind. So there you go. (My mind isn't always sugar coated and full of inspirational quotes ha.)



images via:
http://dreamsgavemeaway.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2008-06-17T23:29:00-07:00
http://www.flickr.com/photos/miss_staken_x3/3684618726/
http://sugarock99.deviantart.com/art/Abyss-139908117
http://ffffound.com/image/b492ff77084de659f9168991028f2cb3c9035d34